Fist Bump of the Day goes to Joe Breezy

First off, I apologize for not posting in awhile, but i’m sure you bros understand. 4/20 was four days ago. It takes awhile to get back down from outer space.

Anyways, today’s fist bump (to the face) goes to Joe Breezy (or as I like to call him, GDI Joe) the fucking GDI who attempted to chug a fifth of patron and failed harder than a sorostitute trying to fully throat a broner. What a fucking chump. Bros everywhere should look at this video in utter disgust for a number of reasons. I know I fucking did. Here are some of the reasons why:

1. He’s fucking wasting patron. Are you fucking kidding me GDI Joe? When I was watching the video, I honestly didn’t know whether to get pissed or shed a tear. Bros know that very few things tastes better than the sweet liquid that is emitted from that beautiful clear and green bottle. It’s a fact that bros everywhere love tequila – we chug this shit on the reg. While GDI’s like icing people with Smirnoff Ice, bros like patroning other bros with fifths of patron; bros don’t mess around with that pussy ass sorority shit.

2. This is just another display of a dumb fuck GDI trying to be a bro. Its an epedemic thats happening worldwide and it must be put to an end. Sure he has the confidence of a bro, but bros back their shit up. If a bro were to ask the bottle if it were ready to get chugged, the bottle would’ve sprouted fucking legs and run for the hills. No one demolishes alcohol like a bro. A fifth of patron? The average bro wouldn’t have even been buzzed.

3. GDI Joe pukes. Fucking pussy! Sorostitutes and GDIs puke. Bros don’t. Bros only put up with puking because we need something for our pledges to clean up. On a brighter note, it was chill as fuck to see GDI Joe throw up on a slampiece. Any form of degrading woman is a total bro move.

If this were done by a bro, the video would’ve been a lot more chill (obviously). A true bro would’ve grabbed the bottle of patron, cracked the seal, grabbed his car keys, and shotgun the shit out of the patron bottle. He then would have proceeded to smash the bottle against the concrete. The girl in the video, impressed as fuck, would’ve then walked over to the bro and gave him a bro job. The bro would then pull a Natty tall boy out of his back pocket, and fist bump the camera man. The end.

Either way, thanks for providing us bros with a laugh before we head off to class tomorrow. And a tip to GDI Joe: stick to Mike’s Hard and leave the patron to the big bros.

Posted in Fist Bumps | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Happy 4/20 from Bro Campus

Its that time of year again. Bros rejoice. Its motherfucking 4/20, meaning all you bros better have your piece in hand ready to board the fucking Chill Train Express. Today’s route: outer space.

Bros love 4/20. Whats not to like. Its a day where we all get to act like astronauts and fly to the moon. Its a celebration of what bros do best: chilling hard as fuck. Its also coincidentally Taco Bell’s most lucrative day of the year. Its not a holiday, its a bro-liday.

If your not 10 bong rips deep by now, you have some catching up to do. Just ask the University of Colorado – Boulder campus. The bros there have been raging since 7AM at their annual 4/20 smoke sesh. Talk about chill.

Now while we all aren’t fortunate enough to attend Colorado, that doesn’t mean we can’t all throw a fat 4/20 rager ourselves. Here are some tips from us to help make your 4/20 party worthy of its name.

1. Your music playlist must feature Mac Miller, Wiz Khalifa, Kid Cudi, and Bob Marley only. The only exception is mashups of these artists. Other than that no fucking exceptions. These bros were put on this earth to entertain high bros so bump the fuck out of them and show them some love, especially today.

2. There needs to be mass amounts of Taco Bell. Some of you may be tempted to hit up the dollar menu, but I suggest just buying a fuckload of $5 Buck Boxes. And when I say a fuckload, I mean a fuckload. A bro on 4/20 can put down as many $5 Buck Boxes as they can chug Nattys on a typical friday night (a lot). And don’t be a fucking noob and forget the hot sauce. A taco without hot sauce is like a babe with a hot face and small boobs; sure it’s probably good enough for a GDI, but a bro sure aint gonna fuck with it. Bros are very particular when it comes to their tacos and their slampieces. So don’t fuck it up.

3. Make it a costume party. It’ll be fun to see all the GDI’s dressed in their stereotypical-GDI Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg costumes, while the bros are dressed like astronauts and pilots. Bros are creative as shit. This’ll help the slampieces decipher from the bros and the tron ass GDIs. Which brings us to our last tip:

4.  Make sure there are a shitload of sorostitutes present. I mean, c’mon, what’s a party without some talent to slay. Let me tell you, there are very few things tighter than laying the broner down while you’re high as shit. Bros everywhere should be smoking themselves to space and proceeding to slay the shit out of some slampiece. Its the easiest way to join the mile high club.

So from the bottom of our hearts, us at BroCampus would like to say: Fuck Gravity. Happy 4/20.

Posted in Misc. | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Bro’s Take on this Slow Motion Graffiti Video

At first, this video, which contains a fuckload of broner and slamgina drawings on the wall of a bathroom, was a walk down memory lane. It brought me back to when I was just a wee-lil bro chillin in my third grade art classroom, trying to outline my broner on a piece of paper for my final project (I got a C, a bros favorite grade since we all know it stands for “chill”). Those were good fucking times.

But then, as I kept watching the video, I slowly realized that this was nothing more than motherfucking bro-hating propaganda. Bro haters really do need to ruin everything.

If you watch it (see video above), you’ll see that the video stars a broner who is looking for some strange to poundsesh with (typical Friday night for a bro). However, when the lil broner makes his move, all the slampieces run away (not a typical Friday night for a bro). Only when the human babe draws a fucking condom on the lil broner does the slamgina agree to slam. Typical bro-hating propaganda. All bros know that there are very few things that bro-hate harder than condoms.

Fuck condoms. Bros don’t need ‘um. They literally are the biggest cock blocks known to man. Bros are confident motherfuckers. We don’t like covering things up. Why do you think bros cut the sleeves off of all our t-shirts? Pythons need to breathe. That goes for the python broner between our legs too. Bros have massive broners and we want the world to know.

Some of you slampieces may be saying that condoms actually feel better because you like the feel of the ribbed ones? This just mean that you’ve never slamseshed with a real bro because everyone knows real broners come pre-ribbed even without the condom. God was a bro. He treated us right.

Slampieces love the raw broner, too. It’s a known fact. The slamginas in this video clearly belong to GDI’s because if it were sorostitue pussy, the video would’ve been a lot shorter because the lil guy would’ve got some within the first five seconds, condom or not.

Don’t be fooled by this video. While the visual effects are pretty tight, underneath all of that is just plain old bro hatin’ propoganda.

Posted in A Bro's Take | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fist Bump of the Day Goes to Kemba Walker for Reading His First Book

I stumbled across this article on ESPN while I wasn’t paying attention to my bro-hating professor today in class. And I couldn’t help but want to leave the room and hop a plane to Connecticut just so I could give a fist bump to and chug a few Natty’s with this bro-king, Kemba Walker.

In the article, written by ESPN columnist Diamond Leung, Walker is quoted as saying that William C. Rhoden’s book Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall, and Redemption of the Black Athlete was the first and only book he has ever read cover to cover. Walker is a 20 years old and a junior at the University of Connecticut.

What a fucking bro move.

I knew Kemba was a baller. But who knew he was this big of a fucking bro. Bros fucking hate books. The very first book burners in history were definitely some bros who were shithoused off of some Natty. Bros tend to stick to more sophisticated literature, like Playboy, BroBible, or the ingredients on our protein powders. But we occasionally have to read a book or two to get by in class. Kemba has managed to win a fucking NCAA Division I National Championship without reading more than one book cover to cover. Sorostitutes everywhere should be begging to slob on his bro-knob.

Fist bumps, to you Kemba Walker. Bros everywhere should aspire to be more like you.

Posted in Fist Bumps | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bro of the Week: Dom Mazzetti

Bros love to laugh. It’s what we do. And Dom Mazzetti, our Bro of the Week, hands out the giggles like a pledge hands out Natty’s.

For those of you who don’t know, Mazzetti is a Youtube comedian who talks about a lot of bro subjects, like drunk babes and slamming muff. His newest video is on meat heads (see video above) and it’s fucking comedy.

Here are some of my favorite Dom Mazzetti quotes:

-“Turns out summer is coming up. This years goal: Dom’s gonna be hotter than the sand, and bigger than the ocean.”
-“Ovaltine. It makes your dick bigger.”
-“I work at GNC now. I do it for the discount.”
-Every line from ‘Dom Mazzetti vs. Drunk Girls.’

Clearly, the dude is funny as shit. Another thing thats tight about him is his swag. In all his videos he’s either wearing a cut off t-shirts or a plain tee with a funny catch phrase. Mega chill.  Either way, check out his videos and show him some love. Its a good way to start the day off or procrastinate on a paper.

Fist bumps to Mazzetti for being such a chill ass bro.

If you would like to nominate next week’s Bro of the Week, send your suggestions to brocampus@gmail.com or hit us up on Twitter (@brocampus).

Posted in Bro of the Week | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Bro’s Take on iTr3vor

The other day one of my bros showed me a video on Youtube of iTr3vor, some kid who goes to Apple Stores and films himself dancing (see video above).  So I watched it, and when the video ended he tried convincing me that this kid would be a great addition to the bromunity one day. Usually, I trust my bros judgement in these types of things, but this time I almost slapped him in the face with my broner. Honestly, I’d rather beer bong a gallon of pussy juice than give this kid a fist bump and call him my bro. He clearly has GDI written all over him, and here is why.

First off, the kid dances like a fucking broke ass GDI. As you can see in the video, iTr3vor dishes out some weak ass dance moves from the get go. From finger snaps to shoulder rolls, he looks like he’s trying out to be one of Britney fuckin’ Spears’ backup dancers. However, bros know that these moves are physically impossible for us to perform. Honestly, how the fuck are you supposed to finger snap when you’re double fisting Nattys? Its fucking impossible without spilling some of your brew-ha, and bros don’t fucking spill Natty’s. They drink every last drop. Its a known fact that Bro-kings never hit the dance floor without at least two cans of bro water because there is nothing quite as chill as rubbing your broner on some slampiece’s backside while sipping on some brews. We leave the dancing to the babes and save our best moves for the mattress. Bros only really have two dance moves: the cock grind and the Bernie. We’re too fucked up to do anything else.

Secondly, what the fuck is this bro doing dancing like a GDI when he has access to those babes in the background. Its pretty fucking clear that the bro move to do in this situation would’ve been to film a fat porno. Sure the ogre on the far left looks like a Star Trek character, but the other two babes are definitely bangable. Bros love porn and banging in public places and this would’ve been a perfect opportunity to have the best of both worlds. I would’ve had mad respect for this kid if he would had hip thrusted his way towards those babes, threw on some Plies , and started sexing the fuck out of them. And the babes clearly wanted it, too. They are all fucking DTF. The middle girl even keeps trying to initiate an eye fuck, but the tron doesn’t notice. He’s too busy dancing. #Unchill.

This isn’t to say that the kid doesn’t have some bro-tential. The glasses he’s wearing are pretty fucking bro, so I guess he does have some bro cred. Also, those hip thrusts he does in the middle of the vid would definitely satisfy a few babes I know. Hopefully, for his sake, he reads this article before he goes to college and straightens up his act. The last thing this world needs is another fucking GDI.

Posted in A Bro's Take | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Brew Review: Boxer Lager – Beer of Champions, not Bros

I must admit, when I first came across Boxer Lager at my local liquor store, I got pretty fucking excited. How excited you ask? Let’s just say if I had a pussy, there would’ve been a cleanup in the isle I was standing in due to how wet I would’ve been. I honestly thought I was dreaming. 36 beers with a 5% alcohol content for $14. It was unreal chill. And when I bought it, and slammed 30 of them that night, I was as shithoused as I’ve been off of beer in ages. I blacked out, slammed some strange, chilled hard on boxer – and all for a low, low price. In other words: me = #winning.

That was until I woke up the next day and found out why they call this discount can of piss Boxer.

The next morning, when I was awoken by one of my campus’s finest sorostitutes (fist bump anyone?) asking for some “breakfast in bed” (aka my broner in her domer), I felt like absolute shit. I felt bruised, battered, and violated. Never had I had a hangover this bad. Usually, I’d ask my self WWBD (What Would a Bro Do) and just drink my hangover away, but I literally couldn’t move. I had just been in a 15 round boxing match with Boxer motherfuckin’ Lager. And I got my shit rocked. Mega, mega, unchill.

Boxer Lager is kind of like touching a hot stove, hanging out with a GDI or wearing a condom. Once you do it, you never really want to do it again. The hangover simply isn’t worth it and not to mention it tastes like shit.

So basically, i’m never drinking this shit again. However, that’s not to say that there aren’t other practical purposes for it. Let’s not forget Boxer is only $14 bucks. So here are some suggestions:

1. Use it to get fuckin’ yoked. Bros love gettin’ yoked. All bros secretly wish there was more hours in the day so that we’d have more time to workout. We bros are also always on the prowl for non-traditional ways to get our swole on outside of the gym. Boxer provides us bros with a solution. The box itself is like a mobile gym. It contains 36 cans, meaning its heavy as shit and allows us to get our low-rep, high weight exercises in for those of you meathead bros going for the Ronnie from Jersey Shore look. And if you want those high reps so that you can get ripped and shreded for the babes, you can just slam a few of the brews (at your own risk), making the box lighter. This not only accomplishes your goal of getting those high-rep exercises in, but it also gets you fucked up. In the words of a wise man:

“Get yoked, get fucked up at the same time. [A bro’s] two favorite things to do.”

2. Another thing you can do with Boxer is throw them at GDI’s. $14 to pelt 36 full beer cans at those fuckin’ cockroaches is definitely worth it. Aim for the legs so they can’t walk in to your parties and its a win-win situation. It is every bro’s mission to conduct genocide to the GDI race and this is by far one of the cheapest ways to do it.

For these reason Boxer Lager gets 2/5 Fist Bumps (Moderately Chill).

Posted in Brew Review | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments