Anyone who has glimpsed at the Internet within the past week has been overrun by bullshit stories and opinions about Lebron James and the Heat’s gigantic pussy-breaking loss against the Nazi-bro Dirk and the Dallas Mavericks. The amount of coverage has been so unbearable that this Average JoeBro can’t sneak in a precious whack sesh without LeBro-hater James peaking his fucking head up. So with the multitude of voices out there that have decided that they have some sort of authority to write about Lebron (I’ve seen fucking articles by art critics and bitches. I know, seriously?) I decided the case on James cannot be decided clearly until a bro has finally weighed in on the subject. So here goes.
All this shit started when Lebron pussed out through three 4th quarters in the NBA finals, standing in the corner near the three point line for twelve minutes at time looking at that fat chick at the party who spends her time watching the bomb bitches rub dick on the dance then look at her own self and cries for two hours while some GDI keeps asking what’s wrong.
It was fucked up, so LeBron loses and we’re ready to hear some sob fucking story, until he comes out and says this:
“All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal. But they have to get back to the real world at some point.”
First off, Lebron, fuck you. My life is fucking awesome. All bros do is get wasted and pound puss. If my biggest personal problem tomorrow is picking which she-nasty I’m gonna pick to turn my nob into a stripper pole, then I think I’ll be able to survive just fine, LeBitch.
But I will give Mr. James some credit. For a lot of other non-bros, they will not be happy tomorrow. LeBron will wake up with 30 mill in the fucking bank in his penthouse apartment looking over South Beach with a contact list on his phone dedicated purely for puss-hunting, while some working boner will drive to work in his prius and spend the day at the water cooler going “Hey, you hear about LeBron James. What a Jackass.” In that case, you’re the Jackass, Boner. The guy does have it pretty good. And yeah, he pussed out and lost the NBA finals, but in the end the guys a shit-ton of money, fame, fans, and bitches. That’s purty good all around.
But I’ve been doing some thinking about this, and yes LeBoob does have many qualities of the ultimate Bro, but the motherfucker is still lacking critically in one area.
Bros don’t fucking lose.
Sorry, Loser Bron Bron, Bros are bonafide, frat-hard, hardon ragin’ winners. No matter what. I don’t care if you pick a Bro off the street after a four night bender filled with Nattys, drugs, and all kinds of the hell-nasty, that Bro is going to step onto the court and win, because that’s what Bros do. Bron don’t got it, and it’s time he accepts that.
In fact, there was only one real Bro on the court during those finals, DeShawn Shit-talking-Three-point-pounding-in-your-MotherFucking-Face Stevenson. Not only did he win the NBA title, trash on LeBrons game for the series(Dudes been hamming on LeBron since he been in the league), and rock some fly ass tattoos, two days after the title he got picked up for public intox. “Sorry officer, I was just showing these bitches the size of my Dirk.” True Bro-sizzle.
So LeBron, don’t bring those fratty-ass comments after games, if you’re not going to back it up, pussy.
Final Verdict: LeBron = Le
This article was submitted by BroMontana from Indianapolis, IN. If you have any questions or comments about this article, or would like to submit a Bro Story of your own, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.