If you don’t enjoy taking fat rips out of German engineered bongs while holding on to two Natty’s and even possibly getting your dick sucked then you’re not a Bro, you’re a bitch. Bong rips get you high, and being high is bro as fuck. Whether you’re going to the gym to get jacked, pounding on some strange, or just straight chillin with some bros, doing it high makes it better. Bong sessions are a great way to converse with other bros about bro things (like the last sorostitute you slayed or your favorite taco at Taco Bell), and that’s why it’s crucial to know the right, chill, bro way, to rip the bong.
A good bong rip isn’t any old walk in the fuckin park. It takes skill and experience. Pussy’s and bro-haters slobber all over the bong, take bitch rips, and cough like little school girls. If you’re a pussy and don’t know how to rip the bong, then don’t fuckin try to do it! A real man approaches the bong with respect and excitement, spends a minimum of 5 seconds milking it before clearing, and then exhale’s entirely while doing a fist bump, not once making any sort of noise resembling a cough. Mega chill dudes don’t even exhale, allowing for all the smoke to make their 10-inch dick even bigger than it already is.
To get to that point the first step is buying your own blazing tube. Bongs are essential for any self respecting Bro. Just remember to be careful with your glass because some people (mostly noobs), turn into careless morons when they get high and have the tendency to knock things over, possibly shattering not only your precious instrument but also the relationship between you and that person. Respect the bong motherfuckers. I’ve seen too many infant purchases go to waste because of some dipshit who cant hold their smoke and doesn’t understand the meaning behind personal property. Shame on all you bro hating fucks. We may not know who you are, but you’re the ones who have to live with the guilty conscience.
Keeping a bong is tough. So to you bros out there who have a bong over 1 year of age, give yourself a pat on the back during your next rip, over 2 years clear the whole bowl, and over 3 then that’s a certified bromance and you might as well just start fucking it. Everyone else just save up your cash and keep moochin off your friends. Just don’t get too high and break his baby.
Now go get high. 4/20 is right around the corner.
Thanks to HighBro from DePauw University in Indiana for the submission. If you would like to submit your take on some bro issue, email us at email@example.com and we’ll get it up for all of the brommunity to read.